Once upon a time, you were part of a whole soul. But somebody split you in two. You are a poor little half-soul, and you will never be complete until you run into your other half. Good luck finding it in a world with a population of 6.9 Billion, spread over 7 continents and more than 190 countries.
Origin of the Myth:
The myth that we are each half a soul, searching for our other half, goes all the way back to Greece – maybe beyond. As seen above, Aristotle seems to have endorsed the idea. However, this may have been more poetry than philosophy; Aristotle was an artist as well as a theorist.
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| The Symposium |
The idea did pop up in a theoretical work written by Plato, The Symposium. The Symposium outlines a (fictional) dialogue about love between Socrates and some of his friends over dinner. Each man at the table makes a speech about love, ending with Socrates. Plato uses Socrates as a mouthpiece in his book to explain the true meaning of love; the other men’s ideas are impliedly misguided and inferior to Socrates’ theory.
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| Aristophanes, Comedic Playwright |
One of Socrates’misguided dinner guests is Aristophanes – a famous comedic playwright. Before beginning his speech (covered from 189-193), Aristophanes warns the guests that his ideas about love are pretty absurd, and then begins his tale…
The Myth of Aristophanes
In primal times, mankind began as beings composed of large round bodies with two faces and two sets of limbs, facing away from each other. Because they were so spherical, they wheeled around like clowns, doing cartwheels. There were 3 sexes of these original, powerful beings: the all male, the all female, and the “androgynous” (male and female). These double-beings tried to reach heaven, to make war on the Gods. Zeus didn’t like this much. But instead of destroying them entirely, he crippled them by chopping them in half, effectively separating the two bodies. He then commanded Apollo to patch the beings up, which he did – sewing the skin together and leaving a seam (the belly button) as a reminder to mankind of its attempt to take over the heavens. Since that time, people run around looking for their “other half” because they are trying to recover the power they once had as the double-beings they were. Aristophanes ends by warning men to fear the Gods, lest they split us in half again and we have to go around with half noses.
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| Aristophanes' Primal Beings |
Aristophanes in Modern Times
The “soul mate” or “one and only” ideal is still very prevalent in our society. While most people don’t agree with Aristophanes’ myth of people being physically split in two, many believe that there is only one other soul or person out there that is “right” for them to marry. Such a view excludes the possibility that there are a lot of people that you could build a wonderful life with, and you have to pick from among them. This myth says that there is one person, and one alone, out there in that big world that will make me happy, and I’ve got to find them because if I marry someone who isn’t my one-and-only perfect match, I'll be miserable forever.
The One-and-Only: A Constraining Belief
Modern sociological research has found that there are beliefs present in our society that make finding a significant someone much more difficult and frustrating. Sociologists refer to them as constraining beliefs.
“Constraining beliefs about mate selection are defined as personal beliefs that may (a) limit one’s choices regarding who or when one marries, (b) encourage exaggerated or minimal personal effort to find a suitable mate, (c) inhibit thoughtful consideration of interpersonal strengths and weaknesses and of premarital factors known to have an influence on the success of marriage, and/or (d) perpetuate mate selection problems and frustration and restrict options for alternative solutions for problems.” (Cobb, 222).
Basically, there are beliefs out there that will goof up the way that you go about finding someone to be with. And guess what? The one-and-only idea is one of them:
“A belief in a ‘‘one and only’’ soul mate may encourage a search, not for a good companion (one of several right choices), but for the one right companion; such a search may invite passive waiting and possible blindness to compatible candidates.” (Cobb, 222)
“The belief that somewhere in the world we each have a soul mate or ‘‘second half’’ […] is constraining, because it requires a person to know when his or her ‘‘one and only’’ is present. How this insight is accomplished is not clear. It also may invite passive waiting for the magical moment to arrive while good marriage prospects are overlooked.” (Cobb, 222-223)
In summary, the belief that there is one, and ONLY ONE right person out there for you may result in the following difficulties during the dating process: (and these are only a few – I’m sure if you get creative, you can think of other ways it can get us off track)…
1. Confusion over how to find one’s soul-mate. How do you know if this person is the one and only right person for you? Are you supposed to get heartburn, wobbly knees, tingling toes? Does the world stop and go into slo-mo and start spinning with a fuzzy, dreamy effect around the edges and romantic music playing and fans blowing???
2. Passive waiting. Rather than getting out there and finding a suitable partner, individuals may just laze about, waiting to bump into their soul-mate, because they are under the impression that they will immediately be able to sense their soul-mate once they run into them.
3. Turning down good offers. Individuals may pass over perfectly good opportunities for solid, long-term relationships, because they don’t have a confirmation that this person is their one-and-only.
My Personal Beef with the One-and-Only
Let’s say that we don’t live in a world populated with 6.9 billion people, spread all over 190 plus countries. Let’s build ourselves a much simpler scenario. Let’s say that the whole world is a village, with 10 people in it of suitable age to settle down together – 5 men, and 5 women. And we will make another huge assumption, that they are all monogamous, heterosexual people, who actually want to pair off rather than remaining single, or pursuing careers, etc. Ok. And each of them has their soul-mate among the 10 people in the village – a “right” girl for every guy, and guy for every girl. However, as yet none of them have identified which person is the right one for them.
What happens when one of the guys goes fishing in a thunderstorm and gets hit by lightning?
Oh, dear. Well, we have 5 gals and 4 guys, which means somebody is gonna have to be single. Now, if the “right” girl for the deceased fisherman stays single, everybody else has a shot at happiness, but her chances are gone. But what if she’s cute and talented, and bakes really good cookies, and happens to be a good friend of one of the 4 remaining fellas – so he marries her? That means we’ve got one couple that isn’t right for each other, and who won’t find happiness together. We’re down to 4 gals and 3 guys. Now, the gal whose perfect match has already been snatched (but she doesn’t know that yet), may end up single and the other 6 people will match up correctly. But what if she’s brilliant and an excellent pianist and brings home a lot of money – so she marries one of the remaining 3 fellas – and on down the line.
Not even in our perfect village is it guaranteed – or even probable – that everyone will match up perfectly in their 1:1 ratios. How much more complicated would it be to find an actual soul-mate in our world? Think about the complications:
1. The world’s population, spread over the Earth’s enormous surface. 6.9 billion people, in over 190 countries and spread across 7 continents, separated by oceans, deserts, etc. We say it’s a small world…but even with the internet, finding a perfect 1 amongst the 6.9 billion is not going to be an easy task, especially considering that we speak over 6500 recognized languages. And once you find them, how do you get to them? What if their country is torn by war and political unrest? And once you do end up in the same place, changing citizenship is hard, etc.
2. Class & Culture issues – people typically marry others with a similar economic and cultural background. What if one half of the soul is filthy rich and the other a beggar on the street? What are the odds they’re going to run in the same circles and become one whole soul again? And that’s assuming, that they’re even in the same region.
3. Sexuality – what if your other half gets confused about his or her sexuality and it no longer matches yours?
4. Deaths and injuries – people die young all the time, or are maimed and injured in such a way that its much harder for them to find and catch a suitable mate.
5. Mental handicaps – what if your perfect mate is born with or injured in a way that limits their mental capacity?
6. Attractiveness – what if your perfect mate is mistakenly attracted to someone else because they are initially more appealing due to talents, appearance, money, power, etc?
*Some of you may be thinking: but if they’re your other half, they will match up with you perfectly in terms of beliefs, class, mental capacity, etc. That is what makes them right for you. I will be discussing that idea (that there is a person out there who is perfect for you) at a later time. Right now, I am only challenging the idea that there is a 1:1 ratio of “right” matches – one right woman for one right man – we are ignoring, for now, the issue of whether they are actually suited for one another in terms of tastes, etc.
And those are just the beginning! What a nightmare of a goose chase. If it is true that there is only 1 right person for each of us out there, then a lot of us will be left settling for someone other than Mr. or Ms. Right. And then we’re stealing away someone else’s right match, and they steal someone else’s, etc – and soon enough, the whole world is miserably paired up with the wrong person. What a depressing thought.
For those readers who do believe in some kind of loving Diety or Dieties, ask yourselves: Would they really only put one person down here that I can be happy with, when it’s so impossible to find that one other person among the 6.9 billion, or when they may already be gone due to death, disease, or some other misfortune?
Conclusion: Soul Mates are for Sissies!
The soul-mate idea, that there is only one right person out there for you, is a big fat cop-out. It puts the decision of who you will be with in someone else’s hands. So it’s not your fault if you can’t find someone to be with, or if you accidentally marry the “wrong” person and need to break up a perfectly good marriage because suddenly you do find your soul-mate, etc. Because if it’s true that there are many people out there that you could be wonderfully happy with, and it’s just up to you to choose which, then who you choose to be with is your responsibility. You can’t pin the success of your relationship on anything or anyone else but you and your partner. It’s our job to build our own happy relationships, because we chose to get into them in the first place. And if we get out of a relationship, that was our decision, too. While this settles a much greater burden on our own shoulders to build our own successful love relationships, and get out there and find a suitable match – isn’t that so much better than someone else picking for us? Unlike the 1:1 soul-mate scenario, pretty much everybody’s got a shot at happiness in relationships, not just the select few who find each other.
Plus, the soul-mate myth is ultimately not as romantic as reality. Think of it this way: What would you rather say to your loved one?
A. You are the other half of my soul, so I have to love you and be with you.
B. You are a wonderful person that I have come to love and appreciate, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, through thick and thin.
Isn’t B so much more romantic? When you think about it, the one-and-only idea is a farce. It’s trying to be romantic, but it falls short when challenged by the realities I listed above. But the idea that you chose to be with this person because you love them and want to ride lifes' rollercoaster with them – well, that’s as romantic as it gets. That is the kind of love that can truly ride our life's challenges and “conquer all” – not this sissy, soul-mate garbage.
Attitudes about Romance and Mate Selection Scale.” Family Relations 52.3 (2003):
222-23 JSTOR. Harold B. Lee Lib., Brigham Young U. 27 Feb. 2009. <http://www.jstor.org>
