The Bad Boy and the Innocent Girl. The
Princess and the Scoundrel. The Millionaire and the Maid. The Chauvinist and
the Feminist. Hollywood says they’re all matches made in heaven; but science
says otherwise.
Origin of the Myth
The Myth:
That people with totally different personalities or values tend to attract each
other.
It’s
difficult to say where exactly this myth emerged from, but this is one tale
that has been around for a long time. It even appears in Tristan and Isolde, one of the earliest Western Romances that we
know of.
Opposites-attract
couples that initially hate each other are great fodder for romances and
comedies, alike. Why? Perhaps because it is so much more entertaining to watch
two people fall in love if it’s difficult for them. How else would we end up with
great quips like these:
Why, you stuck up, half-witted,
scruffy-looking Nerf herder!
Just because you have the emotional range
of a teaspoon!
The Great Leslie: I only wanted to kiss you!
Maggie DuBois: Why?
Leslie: Because I love you, that's why!
Ms. DuBois: Ha!
Problems with the Opposites-Attract Theory
While watching
opposites attract (or rather, collide) is certainly entertaining, it’s not true
to reality. Most people choose a partner who is similar to themselves. As an
example, “[i]n a 2009 study of online daters, respondents claimed to want
someone who represented their opposite, thinking it would balance them out. But
even though they said they wanted someone different, the people they contacted
actually had very similar personalities to their own” (Edmonds). Even those
people who are trying to find their
opposite very often attach to someone who is their match.
This is
probably because choosing a partner with similar values, beliefs, and personality
typically makes relationships more successful. “Although a popular idea is that
two highly different individuals complement each other’s strengths and
weaknesses, the literature on premarital predictors of marital success suggests
that one of the strongest predictors is similarity in attitudes, values,
beliefs, and personality characteristics” (Cobb). One of the best predictors of
marital success is similarity, not opposition
The fact
that similar partners have more successful relationships makes a lot of sense.
If you and your partner can’t agree on anything, then how are you going to
achieve success in your relationship? First of all, you probably will disagree
on what a ‘successful’ relationship is in the first place, and then you will
disagree on how to get there, leaving you gridlocked in the relationship. If, however,
you agree on what a destination – what a successful relationship is - and agree
on a path - ways to achieve a successful relationship - then you might actually
get somewhere.
Perhaps
this is why “researchers find that we tend to seek out people who think and act
like us” (Edmonds). It is much easier to work together with someone who has a
similar world-view, values, beliefs, and personality as we do. Thus, “In a 2003
study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences…If
people thought they were attractive, they wanted a similarly attractive
partner. If people thought they were wealthy, they wanted a partner of
equivalent status. If people weren't close to their family, they didn't seek
out a person who was” (Edmonds). We are attracted to people who are like us, socio-economically,
physically, mentally, etc. And research indicates that this is actually a good
thing.
Conclusion
Although
the Romantic Myth tells us that opposites make good matches, this is only true
because opposites-attract stories have a high entertainment value. In terms of
actual relationships, similarities in belief, values, personality, etc. can
help strengthen a relationship and make it last. The bottom line is that no
matter what you do, you’re going to end up with someone who is radically
different from you. They come from a different family, with different
traditions, are of a different gender, had a different education, and on and
on. Even with someone who is very like yourself, you will have strong
differences that are sometimes difficult to overcome. So finding someone who is
remotely similar to yourself can help decrease the number of bumps in the road,
giving you a smoother drive on the road-trip of your relationship.
Sources
1. Cobb, Nathan P. and Jeffry H. Larson, and Wendy L.
Watson. “Development of the Attitudes about Romance and Mate Selection Scale.”
Family Relations 52.3 (2003): 222-23 JSTOR. Harold B. Lee Lib., Brigham Young
U. 27 Feb. 2009. http://www.jstor.org
2. Edmonds, Molly. “Do opposites really attract?” Discovery
Fit & Health. Accessed Oct. 17, 2012. http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/love/opposites-attract.htm
