I can’t get into a relationship until I’ve got my own life totally straightened out; I need to be more in shape, making more money, be a better communicator, and overcome all my emotional baggage.
Origin of the Myth
The Myth: that you need to be perfect before you can be in a relationship. “Someone with this belief thinks, ‘Until I feel completely confident as a future spouse, I should not get married’” (Cobb). Or “Until I have everything under control in my life, I shouldn’t be in a relationship”. This myth’s origin is trickier to pin down than most.
Studies suggest that this brand of perfectionism (called self-oriented perfectionism) is more common among women than it is among men. This could mean that women are inherently more self-critical. It could also suggest that women have been conditioned to be more self-critical by societal forces
(Because we all cook in 6'' Gold heels, right girls?)
Current divorce rates may also be to blame. Since people fear divorce, they want to be perfectly prepared before ever getting into a relationship. So people put off relationships until they felt perfectly ready – in essence, flawless.
We also see perfection in the Western Love myth. Just think Disney Princess. As examples, Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty (Aurora, or Briar Rose, if you will) are all extraordinarily talented. They sing, dance, and cook. They look gorgeous, to boot. And they are all perfectly sweet, understanding, and wonderful – with no emotional issues, despite troubled childhoods. They’re the kind of girl that’s so perfect you have to either love or hate them to bits. And it’s those girls that we perceive as achieving ‘Happily Ever After’.
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| Even Rapunzel - raised for years by her kidnapper, is still totally perfect! |
We even find the roots of this trend in the earliest Western romance, Tristan and Isolde. Both lovers are essentially flawless to begin with. Tristan is a model knight, and Isolde a model lady. It’s not until they drink a potion by accident that their lives go a bit haywire. They start out pretty darn perfect.
Defining Self-oriented Perfectionism
First, a little note. When we’re talking about self-oriented perfectionism, we’re talking an unusual degree of perfectionism. We’re not talking your average person who thinks: “I need to get my life in order before I start looking for a boyfriend”. Relationships require a degree of maturity, emotional stability, financial stability, etc. Responsible people prepare for relationships; it’s natural. Self-oriented perfectionists aren’t just preparing for relationships:
“The self-oriented perfectionist is seldom satisfied with any aspect of performance or appearance. Difficult goals are set as a way of validating self-worth. If achieved, this perfectionist garners little satisfaction, instead moves to the next difficult goal.
In a relationship, the self-oriented perfectionist will set impossible standards for her appearance and behavior, dismissing praise and compliments of the partner and enjoying little satisfaction from achievements. While the self-oriented perfectionist will tolerate flaws in others, she will give herself no lenience for errors and failures.” (Looper)
Problems with Perfection
Why is it bad for people to want to be perfect before getting in a relationship? Loads of reasons:
1. Because then they’ll never get into a relationship.
People aren’t perfect. It follows that if you’re waiting to be perfect before getting into a relationship, you’ll never get into one. At the very least, you’ll put off relationships that would be great for you, because you’re too busy seeking self-perfection. (Cobb).
2. Demanding perfection prevents vulnerability, damaging relationships.
If you’re trying to be perfect all the time, you’re going to put up walls to protect yourself. You don’t want the guys you like to know that you’re not perfect. Heck, you might not even want your best friends to know that you’re not perfect. This means that you’re not opening up and sharing your problems, or making yourself vulnerable. “All relationships require connection. Connection can only happen when someone risks vulnerability.” (Sommer). By putting up barriers and refusing to be imperfect and vulnerable, perfectionists miss out on relational depth.
3. Lack of self-esteem and other emotional issues, which affect your relationships.
Obviously, if you’re beating yourself up over not being the perfect girlfriend,
best friend, daughter, wife, mom, or husband, father, son, etc., it’s going to affect how you see yourself. Self-oriented perfectionism can be associated with lack of self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders. These emotional issues can impair existing relationships, or keep you from seeking a relationship out in the first place.
4. Expecting higher standards of self and others.
Self-oriented perfectionists have high standards for themselves in relationships. It follows that they will expect more of those they are relating with. Studies show that self-oriented perfectionists focus on “areas of communication, trust, and support, suggesting that these perfectionists have high relationship standards in these particular areas”. (Flett).
5. Difficulty in interpersonal relations.
Studies suggest that “perceiving that significant others require perfection of oneself […] is associated with problematic interpersonal behaviors. […U]nrealistic expectations for one's self, one's partner, and for the relationship have also been implicated in the development of relationship problems” (Haring).
The Good News for Perfectionists
If you are an unhealthy perfectionist, there’s lots of help, out there. Just google “perfectionists” and all kinds of books, therapists, and support groups pop up. It’s something you can change about yourself, and there’s plenty of resources out there to do so.
Conclusion
Just relax, yo. While being prepared for a relationship is a good idea, you’re never going to be Disney-Princess-Perfect. An important part of relationships is for each member to help the other to become better. So you don’t need to be perfect going in! You’ll lose half the fun of the journey – or maybe never take the journey, at all.
Works Referenced
Attitudes about Romance and Mate Selection Scale.” Family Relations 52.3 (2003):
222-23.
and adjustment in dating relationships.” Current Pyschology 20.4 (2001): 289-311.
Haring, Michelle, Paul L. Hewitt and Gordon L. Flett. “Perfectionism, coping, and quality of
intimate relationships.” Journal of Marriage and Family 65.1 (Feb. 2003): 143-158.
Looper, Jerry. “Relationship Advice for the Perfectionist.” Suite 101 (25 May 2009). http://jerry-lopper.suite101.com. (12 April 2012)
Sommer, Rhoda Mills. “Perfectionism & Shame Prevents Connections & Vulnerability.”
Rhoda Mills Sommer Therapy Ideas. http://www.therapyideas.net/perfectionism.htm
(12 April 2012)
