Myth No. 4: “Love Hurts”

       It’s not true love if its not killing you. If your love isn’t with you, you should feel tortured by their absence. And when your love is with you, you are so happy to see them that you are already depressed at the thought that they will have to leave. Love just sucks, all around.

History of this Myth:

            The idea that romantic love is actually a painful experience came to the English literary tradition during the Renaissance. Petrarch, in particular, did a lot to introduce this idea into our Romantic myth. He compares love to freezings and burning fires, soft lightning, sweet agony, etc. As such, his writings portray romantic relationships as uncomfortable at best, and downright torture at worst. During the Renaissance, English authors like Wyatt (who translated Petrarch), Shakespeare, and others picked up on the idea that love is a painful thing, and wrote it in to their poetry, plays, and tales.

            In addition to the belief that love is painful, the idea that love is worth dying for has also been passed down in the Romantic tradition. Now, I don’t mean "love is worth dying for" in the sense of saving someone you love from death. I mean the idea that if you have a “true love” and they either die or don’t requite your love, death is your only option. This is illustrated in many of the great romances, which end in the deaths of the lovers either by suicide or heartbreak: Romeo & Juliet, Anthony & Cleopatra, Tristan & Isolde, Wuthering Heights, etc.

            So what we have inherited in our culture is the myth that love is torturous, and that if we have true love and then are deprived of it, death by suicide or heartbreak is our only option.

This Myth, Today

            Twilight is probably one of the best examples of how this Romantic myth has continued in our culture, today. To illustrate, here are some thoughts on life after a breakup, from Bella Swan:

“It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But In a way, I’m glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real.”

      "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you"

“You can have my soul. I don’t want it without you”

      "I could not do anything else[…] If I stopped looking for him, it was over. Love, life, meaning…over.”

“The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under. I did not resurface”

“There was just one thing I had to believe to be able to live – I had to know that he existed.”

“I wanted to be stupid and reckless, and I wanted to break promises.”

“it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone…”

“I felt myself sinking down into depression, drowning in it…”

Some of you may be thinking: Wow, she must really be in love if it’s affecting her this way.

Others may be thinking: Girlfriend needs some serious therapy. She's cracked and completely dependent.

            If you are in the second camp: bravo for not buying in to the romantic myth. We all know that relationships have their ups and downs – but if your relationships are as up and down as Bella and Edward’s, there are some serious issues at play.

            If you’re in the first camp – here are some thoughts for you to chew on…

Dangers of believing that Love should hurt:

1. It may keep you from recognizing a good relationship when you’ve got it. It is wrong to believe that a relationship isn’t a good one, just because you don’t feel like killing yourself when its over, or because you feel comfortable in the relationship. I’ve known people to be scared away because a relationship was “too easy” – and because it wasn’t complicated, they didn’t believe the relationship had any value. But ultimately, serious relationships (long-term relationships and marriages) need to be pretty comfortable so that we can live full and happy lives. If you constantly feel tortured because you just love this person so much, you are not going to be able to accomplish much in life.

2. Staying in an emotionally or otherwise abusive relationship. If a person believes that “true love” is supposed to hurt, then he or she may put up with abuse because they think pain is a part of the true love package.

3. Depression – people may feel justified in acting depressed or leaving depression untreated if they see it as a natural outflow of relationships. Bella, for example, emotionally checks out for three months of her life because of a break-up, and does not seek treatment. In fact, she wallows in the pain because she feels it is the only way to hold on to her ended relationship. Taking that model seriously is unwise.

4. Suicide or Self-Harm – if people genuinely believe that their death or injury is an honor to love, that is a problem. Teen suicides and self-harm such as cutting are serious issues, and encouraging such behavior as proof of ‘true love’ is unacceptable.

Reflecting on Suicide, Self-Harm, and Depression in Meyer’s Twilight 

            Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series glorifies depression, and dangerous or suicidal behavior as evidence of “true love.” When Edward breaks up with her, Bella participates in dangerous behavior (motorcycle riding, cliff diving, etc) in order to feel closer to Edward. She also spends months in a depression that borders on catatonic. And when Edward believes that Bella has died, he makes a concentrated effort at suicide.

            In an age plagued by teen depression, suicide and self-injury like cutting, Meyer’s novel is irresponsible. As teens enter the dating game for the first time, many of them feel that their new boyfriend or girlfriend is their one, “true love.” Meyer’s novels teach teens, by example, that suicide, depression, and dangerous behavior are natural consequences of a break-up or end of a relationship. Meyer’s story is insensitive to her young audience when it portrays suicide and self-injury as a necessary element of the ideal relationship. Meyers’ characters often look on death as a relief (“Death is easy, peaceful…Life is harder”), and her books not only reference suicide (“I guessed he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose”), but even show characters attempting it – all within the context of a romantic relationship between two teens. This is unacceptable.

            Some may excuse Meyer’s story by arguing that it is modeled after classic romances like Romeo & Juliet or Wuthering Heights where the characters do literally “die for love.” However, most of these romances were aimed for (literate) adults. The Twilight machine, on the other hand, has targeted Meyer’s story at teen and pre-teen girls through movies, advertising, paraphernalia, websites, et cetera. Classical romances were not marketed to a specific audience as part of mass money-making schemes, like Twilight. This story is being pushed on a very young audience, and they are eating it up.

            Parents of young Twilight readers should be aware that the books contain this disturbing message, so that they can counter it. Parents should make it clear to teens that suicide, depression, and self-injurious behavior are not the natural consequences of loving relationships. They’re just drama for story-writers. When real people break up, they move on and still live full and happy lives. Life is not over because some pimply 15 year old dork breaks up with you. Life wouldn’t be over, even if the world’s most perfect guy broke up with you. Life goes on.