Myth 8: Opposites Attract

            The Bad Boy and the Innocent Girl. The Princess and the Scoundrel. The Millionaire and the Maid. The Chauvinist and the Feminist. Hollywood says they’re all matches made in heaven; but science says otherwise. 

Origin of the Myth

            The Myth: That people with totally different personalities or values tend to attract each other.

            It’s difficult to say where exactly this myth emerged from, but this is one tale that has been around for a long time. It even appears in Tristan and Isolde, one of the earliest Western Romances that we know of.

            Opposites-attract couples that initially hate each other are great fodder for romances and comedies, alike. Why? Perhaps because it is so much more entertaining to watch two people fall in love if it’s difficult for them. How else would we end up with great quips like these:

Princess Leia to Han Solo:

 Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder!

Hermione to Ron: 

Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon!

The Great Leslie: I only wanted to kiss you!

Maggie DuBois: Why?

Leslie: Because I love you, that's why!

Ms. DuBois: Ha!

Problems with the Opposites-Attract Theory

            While watching opposites attract (or rather, collide) is certainly entertaining, it’s not true to reality. Most people choose a partner who is similar to themselves. As an example, “[i]n a 2009 study of online daters, respondents claimed to want someone who represented their opposite, thinking it would balance them out. But even though they said they wanted someone different, the people they contacted actually had very similar personalities to their own” (Edmonds). Even those people who are trying to find their opposite very often attach to someone who is their match.

            This is probably because choosing a partner with similar values, beliefs, and personality typically makes relationships more successful. “Although a popular idea is that two highly different individuals complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses, the literature on premarital predictors of marital success suggests that one of the strongest predictors is similarity in attitudes, values, beliefs, and personality characteristics” (Cobb). One of the best predictors of marital success is similarity, not opposition

            The fact that similar partners have more successful relationships makes a lot of sense. If you and your partner can’t agree on anything, then how are you going to achieve success in your relationship? First of all, you probably will disagree on what a ‘successful’ relationship is in the first place, and then you will disagree on how to get there, leaving you gridlocked in the relationship. If, however, you agree on what a destination – what a successful relationship is - and agree on a path - ways to achieve a successful relationship - then you might actually get somewhere.

            Perhaps this is why “researchers find that we tend to seek out people who think and act like us” (Edmonds). It is much easier to work together with someone who has a similar world-view, values, beliefs, and personality as we do. Thus, “In a 2003 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences…If people thought they were attractive, they wanted a similarly attractive partner. If people thought they were wealthy, they wanted a partner of equivalent status. If people weren't close to their family, they didn't seek out a person who was” (Edmonds). We are attracted to people who are like us, socio-economically, physically, mentally, etc. And research indicates that this is actually a good thing.

Conclusion

            Although the Romantic Myth tells us that opposites make good matches, this is only true because opposites-attract stories have a high entertainment value. In terms of actual relationships, similarities in belief, values, personality, etc. can help strengthen a relationship and make it last. The bottom line is that no matter what you do, you’re going to end up with someone who is radically different from you. They come from a different family, with different traditions, are of a different gender, had a different education, and on and on. Even with someone who is very like yourself, you will have strong differences that are sometimes difficult to overcome. So finding someone who is remotely similar to yourself can help decrease the number of bumps in the road, giving you a smoother drive on the road-trip of your relationship.

Sources

1. Cobb, Nathan P. and Jeffry H. Larson, and Wendy L. Watson. “Development of the Attitudes about Romance and Mate Selection Scale.” Family Relations 52.3 (2003): 222-23 JSTOR. Harold B. Lee Lib., Brigham Young U. 27 Feb. 2009. http://www.jstor.org

2. Edmonds, Molly. “Do opposites really attract?” Discovery Fit & Health. Accessed Oct. 17, 2012. http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/love/opposites-attract.htm