Myth No. 2: “Parents Just Don’t Understand…”

            …Romance says: Do whatever you want; your parents don’t know or care what you’re going through. If you take a roadtrip to Arizona with your vampire boyfriend and are nearly killed, your parents won’t sweat it. Hey, you could even get married at age 14 to the son of your parent’s archenemy, and they won’t know your married to him until after you're both dead. That is how out of it parents are. They are either totally incompetent, or they just don’t give a flying fart in space. So don’t trust your folks to get in your way or help you out; just do whatever you want with your significant other.

Real life says: Bullcrap.

            Most parents* are very interested in their kids’ dating lives. They want to know who you’re dating. And if you’re dating somebody whose a total loser-slob, or psycho-control freak…they’re probably not too happy about it. They might not say so because they don’t want to put you off, but the truth is they are looking for a nice some-one-else to sweep you off your feet - and away from the current unworthy slob. They want you to be with someone that will treat you like the treasure that you are. Because you’re their baby. They have put blood, sweat, tears, time, prayers, money – everything – into raising you. So they are not about to give you up to some blood-sucking boyfriend or airhead princess…even if they are ‘the fairest in the land.’

*I’m going to assume in my writing from this point on that the reader is part of an average family, with parents who care about their kids - parents who are not neglectful, abusive, etc. I know that this isn't the case 100% of the time. But I believe that the average american parent is genuinely concerned for their kids and wants to be involved in their lives.

How did this part of the Romance Myth come about?

            You’ll notice a disturbing lack of parents in our traditional tales. Protagonists in most of our stories are living with either (1) a clueless parent and evil step-parent (Cinderella, Snow White) or (2) No parents at all (Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter).

            The lack of parents in our tales is explained by how we tell our stories: the hero cycle. The hero cycle forms the basis for most of our stories. Part of the hero cycle involves the hero being thrust out into the world on their own to overcome challenges. Think Luke Skywalker: his house and family are burned to a crisp by stormtroopers. It is this that sparks his epic journey to overthrow the Empire. Think Luke would have left his home with Obi Wan if his Aunt and Uncle were still around? Or better yet, his parents? Probably not. So, most of our heroes don’t have a nice home life; they’re either orphans or have awful parents. Otherwise, they would be too attached to home to leave it.
           What this means is that we don’t see realistic portrayals of good parents in our stories – including our romance stories. No author wants to write a story about a hero who has a perfect family. Because the truth is that if the hero has parents around to take care of them, they would probably live happy and normal lives - which are boring to read about. So authors like to get rid of a protagonist's family. They are really inconvenient to a great story.

            Modern authors tend to be a little more hesitant to actually orphan their protagonists – so they have to make the parents totally ineffective in order to have parents, but still get the hero to leave home for their epic (and difficult) journey. Thus, our movies, tv shows, books, and even commercials, are riddled with incompetent Neanderthal-Dads, alternatively overbearing and airheaded Moms, Evil step-parents, etc. The picture of family life that our stories and shows paint isn't pretty:

From Left to right:

 (1) Dad without a clue and (2) Mom without a clue, who are barely holding up their end of the rope against (3) Irritating little brother that makes life miserable, (4) Other irritating little brother that makes life miserable, and (5) Protagonist sassy-teen-daughter with a miniskirt and exposed midriff (...and wearing heels without sinking in the grass, which belies just how fake this picture is.)

What this means for you if you’re…

1. A Parent: Kids out there are being bombarded with the idea that when it comes to their relationships, you are either (1) cruel and overinvolved [the evil stepmother stereotype] or (2) totally clueless and incompetent [see the parents in Twilight, or pretty much any Disney channel/ABC family show]. Your kids need to know that you are neither when it comes to who they’re dating. You are involved, you care, and you know what you’re talking about. (They probably won’t believe that last part until they move to college and have to face real life without you folding their laundry and paying their way…but they’ll get it eventually.) Do what you can to not allow media in your home that encourages the view of family life pictured above. Stay away from progarmming with sassy, mouthy kids who constantly outwit their parents and treat them with disrespect - pretty much anything that puts kids in the driver's seat and parents in the rear-facing child seat. Instead, find movies and shows that have a positive thing to say about family and parents.

2. A Teen: Parents are not your enemy. Movies and books make it seem that way, because stories wouldn’t be interesting if the heroes never left home – and they wouldn’t leave home if their parents were like yours who actually take care of you - if they baked them cookies and made them go to school. Right? But stories aren't real life. In real life, your parents are on your team. They want you to succeed in life at least as much as you do - probably more. And because of that, they care who you date and what you’re doing on your dates. Your romantic relationships can have a huge impact on your life, for the better or for the worse. Your parents want to make sure that when you have these kind of close relationships, they are for the better. They don't want you dating people who are verbally abusive, addicted to drugs, full of piercings and tattoos, or who are going nowhere in life. They know you deserve better. And because you have parents that love and care about you, there is no way you would get away with flying to Italy to save your suicidal vampire boyfriend. So don’t even try. (That guy’s toxic, anyway. Dump him!)

3. A Single, looking for love: Hopefully, you’re living out on your own now and you’re starting to see that your parents might know a thing or two. However, you’ve probably also realized that like anyone else, your parents are human. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have anything to say; they can still help you in making good decisions. They probably have a more realistic view of just how strong you are, what your talents are, etc. We tend to be either too overblown or too humble in our estimations of ourselves. We may not realize our potential or our problems, but they do. Make a conscious decision about what things your parents did well, and choose to incorporate them into your life. Also notice what things they’ve done in life that you would do even better. Seek out their advice, and keep the best parts; don’t lock them out of your decisions when it comes to who you date or who you marry. They can be a lot of help.

(Now that's more like it!)