Romance Myth No. 1: "I can't help falling in love with you..."

 "…because I was fated to love you. You see, the honest truth is that I just wasn’t that into you, until something made me into you. We drank a love potion. You’re a vampire and built to be completely irresistible to me. We're star-crossed lovers who fate decided to throw together as punishment to our warring houses. But in any case, I had no choice in the matter. Something in me was compelled to like you, even though we are total polar opposites, and once hated each other. Now we have to spend eternity being an item. Sucks to be us, I guess."

     One of the foundational beliefs about Romantic Love is that you don't pick who you fall in love with. Love picks you. Think Cupid's dart. This idea began way back with one of western culture's first romantic stories: the legend of Tristan and Isolde. The story goes something like this...
     Tristan was a noble, handsome knight, who killed princess Isolde's uncle in a noble knight-on-knight battle. Isolde didn't like this so much. In fact, she pretty much wanted him to shrivel up and die. Some time passed, and Tristan managed to convince Isolde's parents to marry her off to his King. On the boat trip to Tristan's home kingdom, they both get a little thirsty. They unknowingly drink a love potion that Isolde's mom sent for her honeymoon. And ala-kazaam! They have stars in their eyes. What follows is a long and troubled relationship that causes tremendous political upheaval, and ends in the 'lovers' deaths due to heartbreak.
     What's odd about the story is that you never get a sense that Tristan and Isolde actually like each other. They have romantic passion, such that they can hardly endure separation, but they don't ever seem to like the idea of being together. They both know it's terribly wrong, and harbor a great deal of personal guilt and resentment for one another. In fact, they do quite a few hateful things to each other. Why? Because they're stuck together, like it or not.

What this has got to do with you:
     Our society says that love isn't chosen, it's chosen for you. Romantic love says that something other than you decided that you loved this person. This belief has morphed into various forms in different cultural groups. For instance, among the religious, it might not be fate who made you love this person, but God. Among horoscopists, the stars are to blame, etc...

Think for a moment about how this belief could affect someone's decisions about relationships:
1. It might keep them from ever entering a relationship, because they never feel the love potion kick in. They have never met someone and instantly felt that this person was "meant for them"
2. A person may harbor resentment or act hatefully towards their partner if they feel "stuck" in the relationship, since it wasn't their idea.
3. Once a person is in a relationship, their belief might prompt them to make irresponsible decisions because they have they believe that they have found their soul-mate.
     Examples: In He's Just not that Into You, Scarlett Johanson's character pursues a married man because her friend advises her that she shouldn't hold back if he's "the one," just because he married "the wrong girl." Her adulterous fling ends in heartbreak for her, and the man's wife. In another scenario, a spouse might leave a marriage or have an affair because they meet someone new that they believe is "meant for them." And finally, a person may not leave an abusive or unhealthy relationship becuase they believe it was meant to be.

     Romantic Love says that you have no control over who you will love.

Do you believe it?