Myth No. 4: “Love Hurts”

       It’s not true love if its not killing you. If your love isn’t with you, you should feel tortured by their absence. And when your love is with you, you are so happy to see them that you are already depressed at the thought that they will have to leave. Love just sucks, all around.

History of this Myth:

            The idea that romantic love is actually a painful experience came to the English literary tradition during the Renaissance. Petrarch, in particular, did a lot to introduce this idea into our Romantic myth. He compares love to freezings and burning fires, soft lightning, sweet agony, etc. As such, his writings portray romantic relationships as uncomfortable at best, and downright torture at worst. During the Renaissance, English authors like Wyatt (who translated Petrarch), Shakespeare, and others picked up on the idea that love is a painful thing, and wrote it in to their poetry, plays, and tales.

            In addition to the belief that love is painful, the idea that love is worth dying for has also been passed down in the Romantic tradition. Now, I don’t mean "love is worth dying for" in the sense of saving someone you love from death. I mean the idea that if you have a “true love” and they either die or don’t requite your love, death is your only option. This is illustrated in many of the great romances, which end in the deaths of the lovers either by suicide or heartbreak: Romeo & Juliet, Anthony & Cleopatra, Tristan & Isolde, Wuthering Heights, etc.

            So what we have inherited in our culture is the myth that love is torturous, and that if we have true love and then are deprived of it, death by suicide or heartbreak is our only option.

This Myth, Today

            Twilight is probably one of the best examples of how this Romantic myth has continued in our culture, today. To illustrate, here are some thoughts on life after a breakup, from Bella Swan:

“It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But In a way, I’m glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real.”

      "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you"

“You can have my soul. I don’t want it without you”

      "I could not do anything else[…] If I stopped looking for him, it was over. Love, life, meaning…over.”

“The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under. I did not resurface”

“There was just one thing I had to believe to be able to live – I had to know that he existed.”

“I wanted to be stupid and reckless, and I wanted to break promises.”

“it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone…”

“I felt myself sinking down into depression, drowning in it…”

Some of you may be thinking: Wow, she must really be in love if it’s affecting her this way.

Others may be thinking: Girlfriend needs some serious therapy. She's cracked and completely dependent.

            If you are in the second camp: bravo for not buying in to the romantic myth. We all know that relationships have their ups and downs – but if your relationships are as up and down as Bella and Edward’s, there are some serious issues at play.

            If you’re in the first camp – here are some thoughts for you to chew on…

Dangers of believing that Love should hurt:

1. It may keep you from recognizing a good relationship when you’ve got it. It is wrong to believe that a relationship isn’t a good one, just because you don’t feel like killing yourself when its over, or because you feel comfortable in the relationship. I’ve known people to be scared away because a relationship was “too easy” – and because it wasn’t complicated, they didn’t believe the relationship had any value. But ultimately, serious relationships (long-term relationships and marriages) need to be pretty comfortable so that we can live full and happy lives. If you constantly feel tortured because you just love this person so much, you are not going to be able to accomplish much in life.

2. Staying in an emotionally or otherwise abusive relationship. If a person believes that “true love” is supposed to hurt, then he or she may put up with abuse because they think pain is a part of the true love package.

3. Depression – people may feel justified in acting depressed or leaving depression untreated if they see it as a natural outflow of relationships. Bella, for example, emotionally checks out for three months of her life because of a break-up, and does not seek treatment. In fact, she wallows in the pain because she feels it is the only way to hold on to her ended relationship. Taking that model seriously is unwise.

4. Suicide or Self-Harm – if people genuinely believe that their death or injury is an honor to love, that is a problem. Teen suicides and self-harm such as cutting are serious issues, and encouraging such behavior as proof of ‘true love’ is unacceptable.

Reflecting on Suicide, Self-Harm, and Depression in Meyer’s Twilight 

            Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series glorifies depression, and dangerous or suicidal behavior as evidence of “true love.” When Edward breaks up with her, Bella participates in dangerous behavior (motorcycle riding, cliff diving, etc) in order to feel closer to Edward. She also spends months in a depression that borders on catatonic. And when Edward believes that Bella has died, he makes a concentrated effort at suicide.

            In an age plagued by teen depression, suicide and self-injury like cutting, Meyer’s novel is irresponsible. As teens enter the dating game for the first time, many of them feel that their new boyfriend or girlfriend is their one, “true love.” Meyer’s novels teach teens, by example, that suicide, depression, and dangerous behavior are natural consequences of a break-up or end of a relationship. Meyer’s story is insensitive to her young audience when it portrays suicide and self-injury as a necessary element of the ideal relationship. Meyers’ characters often look on death as a relief (“Death is easy, peaceful…Life is harder”), and her books not only reference suicide (“I guessed he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose”), but even show characters attempting it – all within the context of a romantic relationship between two teens. This is unacceptable.

            Some may excuse Meyer’s story by arguing that it is modeled after classic romances like Romeo & Juliet or Wuthering Heights where the characters do literally “die for love.” However, most of these romances were aimed for (literate) adults. The Twilight machine, on the other hand, has targeted Meyer’s story at teen and pre-teen girls through movies, advertising, paraphernalia, websites, et cetera. Classical romances were not marketed to a specific audience as part of mass money-making schemes, like Twilight. This story is being pushed on a very young audience, and they are eating it up.

            Parents of young Twilight readers should be aware that the books contain this disturbing message, so that they can counter it. Parents should make it clear to teens that suicide, depression, and self-injurious behavior are not the natural consequences of loving relationships. They’re just drama for story-writers. When real people break up, they move on and still live full and happy lives. Life is not over because some pimply 15 year old dork breaks up with you. Life wouldn’t be over, even if the world’s most perfect guy broke up with you. Life goes on.

Romance Myth No.3: "I want your love, I don't wanna be friends!"

          You can’t possibly be attracted to your loving and capable best friend. Ew. You have to love a “mysterious” person that you know nothing about. And even when you start dating and eventually get married, be careful not to get to know them too well – friendship will suck all of the romance right out of your relationship.

Let's say I'm...Bella Swan. I've got a choice to make:



             

Jacob Black:

attractive friend who does anything for me and loves me to bits, but who I've known since I was a kid.

 

 
Edward Cullen:
A thrilling guy who's a total mystery to me.

(& sparkly to boot.)

 

And the winner is...

Of course it's Edward. How could it be anyone but Edward? He's a mysterious vampire man with a tragic past. He even murdered a few people, just cuz he needed lunch – wow. That’s excitement: dating someone who just might kill you at any second, because he loves you so much. Who can resist? So you see, Jacob had to get shafted, because he was a  friend – and the Romantic Myth says: friends are boring!

Why Friends Can't Win in Romance:
Robert A. Johnson explains this phenomenon in his wonderful book, WE: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love (which you should totally read, by the way):

“When two people are ‘in love,’ people commonly say that they are ‘more than just friends.’ But in the long run, they seem to treat each other as less than friends. […C]ouples refuse each other the selfless love, the kindness and good will, that they readily give to their friends […] People can’t ask of their friends that they carry all their projections, be scapegoats for all their moods, keep them feeling happy, and make life complete for them. Why do couples impose these demands on each other? Because the cult of romance teaches us that we have the right to expect that all our projections will be borne—all our desires satisfied, and all our fantasies made to come true—in the person we are ‘in love’ with.” (p.198, emphasis added)

Romance: The Selfish Love
In other words, Romantic love makes us into “Me Monsters”. Romantic love is ultimately “egotism, the use of each other to create passion for its own sake [… It’s] about seeking a so-called love for the sake of my fulfillment, my thrills, my dreams coming true, my fantasy, my ‘need to be loved,’ my ideal of the perfect love, my security, my entertainment.” (Johnson, p.142).



Friendship & Selfless Love
Romance is “all about me.” But Friendship is based in what we might call human love, selfless love, or Charity.  Johnson further explains:

"If a man and woman are friends to each other, then they are ‘neighbors’ as well as lovers; their relationship is suddenly subject to Christ’s dictum: ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’.”
(p.197)

     Romance “produces drama, daring adventures, wondrous, intense love scenes, jealousies, and betrayals” (p.133). Friendship creates human relationships between flesh-and-blood human beings, because people choose to “love each other instead of being ‘in love’” (p.133). Being in love is something that happens to you. Loving someone, being a friend to someone, is something that you choose to do.
     Thus, “Romance and friendship are […] natural enemies with completely opposing motives. Sometimes people say ‘I don’t want to be friends with my husband [or wife]; it would take all the romance out of our marriage" (p.197). That is true - friendship, and loving concern for the other person, will take all of the me-centered 'romance' out of a relationship. But this is not a bad thing:



"It is true: Friendship does take the artificial drama and intensity out of a relationship, but it also takes away the egocentricity and the impossibility and replaces the drama with something human and real.” (p.197)

What this means for you:

Feelings of Romance (or ‘being in love’) are centered in the self, and tend to change over time. They are a sandy foundation upon which to build a relationship. Friendship, selfless love, Charity – this kind of love is the bedrock upon which we can build our strongest relationships. The choice to love someone and be their friend is a choice that you can make, every day. So make friendship, or selfless love, the foundation for your loving relationships, and let ‘Romance’ and ‘excitement’ be the occasional candle-lit dinners and starry evenings – the cherry on top.

Myth No. 2: “Parents Just Don’t Understand…”

            …Romance says: Do whatever you want; your parents don’t know or care what you’re going through. If you take a roadtrip to Arizona with your vampire boyfriend and are nearly killed, your parents won’t sweat it. Hey, you could even get married at age 14 to the son of your parent’s archenemy, and they won’t know your married to him until after you're both dead. That is how out of it parents are. They are either totally incompetent, or they just don’t give a flying fart in space. So don’t trust your folks to get in your way or help you out; just do whatever you want with your significant other.

Real life says: Bullcrap.

            Most parents* are very interested in their kids’ dating lives. They want to know who you’re dating. And if you’re dating somebody whose a total loser-slob, or psycho-control freak…they’re probably not too happy about it. They might not say so because they don’t want to put you off, but the truth is they are looking for a nice some-one-else to sweep you off your feet - and away from the current unworthy slob. They want you to be with someone that will treat you like the treasure that you are. Because you’re their baby. They have put blood, sweat, tears, time, prayers, money – everything – into raising you. So they are not about to give you up to some blood-sucking boyfriend or airhead princess…even if they are ‘the fairest in the land.’

*I’m going to assume in my writing from this point on that the reader is part of an average family, with parents who care about their kids - parents who are not neglectful, abusive, etc. I know that this isn't the case 100% of the time. But I believe that the average american parent is genuinely concerned for their kids and wants to be involved in their lives.

How did this part of the Romance Myth come about?

            You’ll notice a disturbing lack of parents in our traditional tales. Protagonists in most of our stories are living with either (1) a clueless parent and evil step-parent (Cinderella, Snow White) or (2) No parents at all (Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter).

            The lack of parents in our tales is explained by how we tell our stories: the hero cycle. The hero cycle forms the basis for most of our stories. Part of the hero cycle involves the hero being thrust out into the world on their own to overcome challenges. Think Luke Skywalker: his house and family are burned to a crisp by stormtroopers. It is this that sparks his epic journey to overthrow the Empire. Think Luke would have left his home with Obi Wan if his Aunt and Uncle were still around? Or better yet, his parents? Probably not. So, most of our heroes don’t have a nice home life; they’re either orphans or have awful parents. Otherwise, they would be too attached to home to leave it.
           What this means is that we don’t see realistic portrayals of good parents in our stories – including our romance stories. No author wants to write a story about a hero who has a perfect family. Because the truth is that if the hero has parents around to take care of them, they would probably live happy and normal lives - which are boring to read about. So authors like to get rid of a protagonist's family. They are really inconvenient to a great story.

            Modern authors tend to be a little more hesitant to actually orphan their protagonists – so they have to make the parents totally ineffective in order to have parents, but still get the hero to leave home for their epic (and difficult) journey. Thus, our movies, tv shows, books, and even commercials, are riddled with incompetent Neanderthal-Dads, alternatively overbearing and airheaded Moms, Evil step-parents, etc. The picture of family life that our stories and shows paint isn't pretty:

From Left to right:

 (1) Dad without a clue and (2) Mom without a clue, who are barely holding up their end of the rope against (3) Irritating little brother that makes life miserable, (4) Other irritating little brother that makes life miserable, and (5) Protagonist sassy-teen-daughter with a miniskirt and exposed midriff (...and wearing heels without sinking in the grass, which belies just how fake this picture is.)

What this means for you if you’re…

1. A Parent: Kids out there are being bombarded with the idea that when it comes to their relationships, you are either (1) cruel and overinvolved [the evil stepmother stereotype] or (2) totally clueless and incompetent [see the parents in Twilight, or pretty much any Disney channel/ABC family show]. Your kids need to know that you are neither when it comes to who they’re dating. You are involved, you care, and you know what you’re talking about. (They probably won’t believe that last part until they move to college and have to face real life without you folding their laundry and paying their way…but they’ll get it eventually.) Do what you can to not allow media in your home that encourages the view of family life pictured above. Stay away from progarmming with sassy, mouthy kids who constantly outwit their parents and treat them with disrespect - pretty much anything that puts kids in the driver's seat and parents in the rear-facing child seat. Instead, find movies and shows that have a positive thing to say about family and parents.

2. A Teen: Parents are not your enemy. Movies and books make it seem that way, because stories wouldn’t be interesting if the heroes never left home – and they wouldn’t leave home if their parents were like yours who actually take care of you - if they baked them cookies and made them go to school. Right? But stories aren't real life. In real life, your parents are on your team. They want you to succeed in life at least as much as you do - probably more. And because of that, they care who you date and what you’re doing on your dates. Your romantic relationships can have a huge impact on your life, for the better or for the worse. Your parents want to make sure that when you have these kind of close relationships, they are for the better. They don't want you dating people who are verbally abusive, addicted to drugs, full of piercings and tattoos, or who are going nowhere in life. They know you deserve better. And because you have parents that love and care about you, there is no way you would get away with flying to Italy to save your suicidal vampire boyfriend. So don’t even try. (That guy’s toxic, anyway. Dump him!)

3. A Single, looking for love: Hopefully, you’re living out on your own now and you’re starting to see that your parents might know a thing or two. However, you’ve probably also realized that like anyone else, your parents are human. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have anything to say; they can still help you in making good decisions. They probably have a more realistic view of just how strong you are, what your talents are, etc. We tend to be either too overblown or too humble in our estimations of ourselves. We may not realize our potential or our problems, but they do. Make a conscious decision about what things your parents did well, and choose to incorporate them into your life. Also notice what things they’ve done in life that you would do even better. Seek out their advice, and keep the best parts; don’t lock them out of your decisions when it comes to who you date or who you marry. They can be a lot of help.

(Now that's more like it!)

Romance Myth No. 1: "I can't help falling in love with you..."

 "…because I was fated to love you. You see, the honest truth is that I just wasn’t that into you, until something made me into you. We drank a love potion. You’re a vampire and built to be completely irresistible to me. We're star-crossed lovers who fate decided to throw together as punishment to our warring houses. But in any case, I had no choice in the matter. Something in me was compelled to like you, even though we are total polar opposites, and once hated each other. Now we have to spend eternity being an item. Sucks to be us, I guess."

     One of the foundational beliefs about Romantic Love is that you don't pick who you fall in love with. Love picks you. Think Cupid's dart. This idea began way back with one of western culture's first romantic stories: the legend of Tristan and Isolde. The story goes something like this...
     Tristan was a noble, handsome knight, who killed princess Isolde's uncle in a noble knight-on-knight battle. Isolde didn't like this so much. In fact, she pretty much wanted him to shrivel up and die. Some time passed, and Tristan managed to convince Isolde's parents to marry her off to his King. On the boat trip to Tristan's home kingdom, they both get a little thirsty. They unknowingly drink a love potion that Isolde's mom sent for her honeymoon. And ala-kazaam! They have stars in their eyes. What follows is a long and troubled relationship that causes tremendous political upheaval, and ends in the 'lovers' deaths due to heartbreak.
     What's odd about the story is that you never get a sense that Tristan and Isolde actually like each other. They have romantic passion, such that they can hardly endure separation, but they don't ever seem to like the idea of being together. They both know it's terribly wrong, and harbor a great deal of personal guilt and resentment for one another. In fact, they do quite a few hateful things to each other. Why? Because they're stuck together, like it or not.

What this has got to do with you:
     Our society says that love isn't chosen, it's chosen for you. Romantic love says that something other than you decided that you loved this person. This belief has morphed into various forms in different cultural groups. For instance, among the religious, it might not be fate who made you love this person, but God. Among horoscopists, the stars are to blame, etc...

Think for a moment about how this belief could affect someone's decisions about relationships:
1. It might keep them from ever entering a relationship, because they never feel the love potion kick in. They have never met someone and instantly felt that this person was "meant for them"
2. A person may harbor resentment or act hatefully towards their partner if they feel "stuck" in the relationship, since it wasn't their idea.
3. Once a person is in a relationship, their belief might prompt them to make irresponsible decisions because they have they believe that they have found their soul-mate.
     Examples: In He's Just not that Into You, Scarlett Johanson's character pursues a married man because her friend advises her that she shouldn't hold back if he's "the one," just because he married "the wrong girl." Her adulterous fling ends in heartbreak for her, and the man's wife. In another scenario, a spouse might leave a marriage or have an affair because they meet someone new that they believe is "meant for them." And finally, a person may not leave an abusive or unhealthy relationship becuase they believe it was meant to be.

     Romantic Love says that you have no control over who you will love.

Do you believe it?